This isn’t the blog I planned to write, but it wouldn’t leave me alone until I did. Hopefully this is as interesting to you as it is to me.
I’ve been watching the reality TV show Married at First Sight with my boyfriend, and we’ve been having a blast with the ridiculous drama and cliché relationship potholes. But after one of the marriages totally fell apart due to poor communication (which we definitely could see coming), I was reminded of a miscommunication pattern I’ve seen happen over and over and have definitely fallen victim to myself.
Have you ever gotten into an argument or debate with someone where it completely derails into a quarrel about who said what vs what they actually meant? Maybe you found yourself saying something like, “I didn’t mean it like that,” or “that wasn’t my intention.” Based on my personal experience, I’m pretty sure we can all relate to this.
But how does that miscommunication of meaning/intention happen? I don’t often see people, myself included, stop to ask why or how it can be avoided in the future. Sometimes it feels like the intention is the only part that matters, and if your intentions are right then you don’t need to worry about the rest. You have the moral high ground, and it’s the other person’s fault for misunderstanding.
Have you ever heard the saying “the road to hell is paved with good intentions?” Yeah, that applies to communication too.
There’s a couple things I always try to keep in mind when I’m having a conversation.
First, your intention/meaning, is mostly in your head. It feels like it should be obvious to the other person, but that’s because you know the context. Have you ever had someone clarify what they meant to say, and you feel like yelling, “Why didn’t you just say that in the first place?” Believe me, they thought you’d understand the first time. But people aren’t mind readers. It’s like jumping into a story halfway through and trying to figure out the plot, even for people who know you well. Never assume someone can understand your meaning without clearly articulating it.
Which leads me to the second point: we don’t think enough about the literal words we choose to say. There’s a disconnect between what we mean to say and what we actually say, and most people never stop to consider it because they think others can read their mind or something.
Most people aren’t listening to what you mean, they’re listening to the words you say. And when you aren’t careful those can have two completely different interpretations.
Because here’s the thing. And I apologize for how technical this is, but words do not have objective meanings. They aren’t static. Yes, words have literal dictionary definitions, called the “denotative” definition. But words also have a “connotative” definition. These are the associations people have with words, the context in which they hear them. This can be a cultural understanding, but personal experience also affects someone’s connotative definition of a word. People can even have emotions attached to their interpretation of words.
It sounds nuts, but its true. There’s a lot of reasons for this, but it’s too much to get into now. For example, “mother” can mean something different depending on who you ask. Because even though there’s a specific definition for it in the dictionary, people experience it and the person they associate with it differently.
Sometimes, you can say something with the best intentions and even word it carefully, and it still blows up in your face because the other person’s connotative understanding is completely different than yours.
That was a lot, but here’s your two takeaways:
There is no such thing as perfect communication. This is an area everyone will always need to continue to improve, because you will always have miscommunication and misinterpretation. But eliminating mistakes isn’t the point.
The best communicators have learned how to lessen the misunderstandings by choosing their words carefully, keeping in mind that everyone in the conversation, including themselves, have different connotative interpretations. And when miscommunication does arise, they work through it with a level head and without jumping to conclusions.
Even better, great communicators try to figure out their own word associations before even jumping into a conversation.
So, without getting into the additional problems with communications platforms/mediums, hopefully this helps you in your next relationship argument or political debate.
(Side rant, because I’ve heard the jokes about communications degrees too many times: as you can see, communications isn’t just a skill, it’s a whole field of study that affects almost every area of life. :D)